About The Onion
The Onion News Network, encompasing the former separate divisions of the Onion Radio News as well as its video and print divisions, presents a single hard-hitting news story per day, an audio version of the same award-winning coverage The Onion is known for in its print and online versions. Doyle Redland (Recent Onion annual poetry contest winner) is the tough-as-nails anchorman who millions have learned to trust as his soothing voice describes the most crucial happenings of the day. It's free to download from The Onion.
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Top Tracks
1
Political Talk Show Host Suddenly Very Interested In Manslaughter Law Loopholes
2
Apple Introduces Revolutionary New Laptop With No Keyboard
3
Little Boy Heroically Shoots, Mutilates Burglar
4
New Wearable Feedbags Let Americans Eat More, Move Less
5
Special Boy With Freakishly Large Brain Wins Spelling Bee
6
Chinas Andy Rooney Has Some Funny Opinions About How Great The Chinese Government Is
7
DNA Evidence Frees Black Man Convicted Of Bear Attack
8
FDA Approves Depressant Drug For The Annoyingly Cheerful
9
Are Violent Video Games Adequately Preparing Children For The Apocalypse?
10
Scientists Successfully Teach Gorilla It Will Die Someday
11
New Anti-Smoking Ads Warn Teens 'It's Gay To Smoke'
12
More American Workers Outsourcing Own Jobs Overseas
13
DEA Recruits Lil Wayne To Use Up All Drugs In Mexico
14
Courageous Man Refuses To Believe He Has Cancer
15
U.S. Government Stages Fake Coup To Wipe Out National Debt
16
Trekkies Bash New Star Trek Film As 'Fun, Watchable'
17
Temp Puts Extensive Knowledge Of Alphabet To Good Use
18
Prison Economy Spirals As Price Of Pack Of Cigarettes Surpasses Two Hand Jobs
19
Rules Grammar Change
20
Facebook, Twitter Revolutionizing How Parents Stalk Their College-Aged Kids
21
Prague's Franz Kafka International Named World's Most Alienating Airport
22
Study: Children Exposed To Pornography May Expect Sex To Be Enjoyable
23
Ex-Pedophile Shares Tips On How To Make Your Kids Less Attractive
24
Experts Agree Giant, Razor-Clawed Bioengineered Crabs Pose No Threat
25
Sony Releases New Stupid Piece Of Shit That Doesn't Fucking Work
26
Christ Announces Hiring Of Associate Christ
27
New BabySafe Ball Makes Shaking Your Infant Guilt And Injury Free
28
Jennifer Love Hewitt Pays Magazine 2.2 Million To Run Photos Of Her Baby
29
Nation's Girlfriends Unveil New Economic Plan: 'Let's Move In Together'
30
Bratz Dolls May Give Young Girls Unrealistic Expectations Of Head Size
31
Congressman Offers Preemptive Apology For Extramarital Affair
32
U.S. Teens Lead World In Pregnancy-Test Scores
33
Police Slog Through 40,000 Insipid Party Pics To Find Cause Of Dorm Fire
34
Couple Upstairs Going At It Again
35
Astronomer Discovers Black Hole At Center Of Own Marriage
36
Taco Bell's New Green Menu Takes No Ingredients From Nature
37
Secondhand Smoke Linked To Secondhand Coolness
38
Morning Show Host Starts Charity To Rid World Of Flying Debris
39
Back Of Library Smells Like Weed
40
Police Say School Shooter Had Troubled Past, History Of School Shootings
41
In The Know: Are Reality Shows Setting Unrealistic Standards For Skanks?
42
Americans Observing 911 By Trying Not To Masturbate
43
Victim In Fatal Car Accident Tragically Not Glenn Beck
44
Congress Overturns Ban On Lawn Darts
45
Ambassador Stages Coup At UN, Issues Long List of Non-Binding Resolutions
46
Conservatives Warn Quick Sex Change Only Barrier Between Gays, Marriage
47
Ford Unveils New Car For Cash-Strapped Buyers: The 1993 Taurus
48
Paleontologists Discover Skeleton Of Natures First Sexual Predator
49
Man Who Crossed Nation In Balloon Only Wants To Talk About Horse Abuse
50
Treasury Department Issues Emergency Recall Of All US Dollars
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