The Onion

Political Talk Show Host Suddenly Very Interested In Manslaughter Law Loopholes

Apple Introduces Revolutionary New Laptop With No Keyboard

Little Boy Heroically Shoots, Mutilates Burglar

New Wearable Feedbags Let Americans Eat More, Move Less

Special Boy With Freakishly Large Brain Wins Spelling Bee

Chinas Andy Rooney Has Some Funny Opinions About How Great The Chinese Government Is

DNA Evidence Frees Black Man Convicted Of Bear Attack

FDA Approves Depressant Drug For The Annoyingly Cheerful

Are Violent Video Games Adequately Preparing Children For The Apocalypse?

Scientists Successfully Teach Gorilla It Will Die Someday

New Anti-Smoking Ads Warn Teens 'It's Gay To Smoke'

More American Workers Outsourcing Own Jobs Overseas

DEA Recruits Lil Wayne To Use Up All Drugs In Mexico

Courageous Man Refuses To Believe He Has Cancer

U.S. Government Stages Fake Coup To Wipe Out National Debt

Trekkies Bash New Star Trek Film As 'Fun, Watchable'

Temp Puts Extensive Knowledge Of Alphabet To Good Use

Prison Economy Spirals As Price Of Pack Of Cigarettes Surpasses Two Hand Jobs

Rules Grammar Change

Facebook, Twitter Revolutionizing How Parents Stalk Their College-Aged Kids

Prague's Franz Kafka International Named World's Most Alienating Airport

Study: Children Exposed To Pornography May Expect Sex To Be Enjoyable

Ex-Pedophile Shares Tips On How To Make Your Kids Less Attractive

Experts Agree Giant, Razor-Clawed Bioengineered Crabs Pose No Threat

Sony Releases New Stupid Piece Of Shit That Doesn't Fucking Work

Christ Announces Hiring Of Associate Christ

New BabySafe Ball Makes Shaking Your Infant Guilt And Injury Free

Jennifer Love Hewitt Pays Magazine 2.2 Million To Run Photos Of Her Baby

Nation's Girlfriends Unveil New Economic Plan: 'Let's Move In Together'

Bratz Dolls May Give Young Girls Unrealistic Expectations Of Head Size

Congressman Offers Preemptive Apology For Extramarital Affair

U.S. Teens Lead World In Pregnancy-Test Scores

Police Slog Through 40,000 Insipid Party Pics To Find Cause Of Dorm Fire

Couple Upstairs Going At It Again

Astronomer Discovers Black Hole At Center Of Own Marriage

Taco Bell's New Green Menu Takes No Ingredients From Nature

Secondhand Smoke Linked To Secondhand Coolness

Morning Show Host Starts Charity To Rid World Of Flying Debris

Back Of Library Smells Like Weed

Police Say School Shooter Had Troubled Past, History Of School Shootings

In The Know: Are Reality Shows Setting Unrealistic Standards For Skanks?

Americans Observing 911 By Trying Not To Masturbate

Victim In Fatal Car Accident Tragically Not Glenn Beck

Congress Overturns Ban On Lawn Darts

Ambassador Stages Coup At UN, Issues Long List of Non-Binding Resolutions

Conservatives Warn Quick Sex Change Only Barrier Between Gays, Marriage

Ford Unveils New Car For Cash-Strapped Buyers: The 1993 Taurus

Paleontologists Discover Skeleton Of Natures First Sexual Predator

Man Who Crossed Nation In Balloon Only Wants To Talk About Horse Abuse

Treasury Department Issues Emergency Recall Of All US Dollars